Speaking my heart out

There are times when you want to be alone but are crowded by so many people, well on other times when you really need someone around; there is no body with you. Sad irony of life isn’t it? Every one of us faces a similar situation many times in course of our lives. Each of us wants the other when we have one. Sometimes, I wonder, why this happens to me or does it happen with all. Most of the times I don’t get the answer to this question, as it’s me who is asking myself. Wish I could ask this to some one and know the answer. Talking to God is one option when you have none to open your heart to, when you have so much to talk about, so many feelings to share, so many of desires you just bury deep inside in your heart, for the sole reason that there is not one listening ear, no kind heart to feel it along with you. Talking to God, which I used to do a lot when I used to be in school, writing letters addressing to god and then tear them off. Obvious reason being, number one it was too personal, second and the feared one, it shouldn’t end in my mom’s hand. Now, even writing a letter to God doesn’t come easy. Even today, I have tons of stories to tell, loads of wishes to ask for, but yet I don’t write. Why, you would ask. Maybe my more mature self feels it’s too kiddish to be doing something like that. Being grown up is not the best thing to happen to any one of us. As a child I used to eagerly wait for the time when I can be on my own. I do enjoy it, but then taking care of each small thing alone is not a candy.
Why I am writing all this today.. you should have guessed it by now, Since you haven’t guessed I might as well tell you. I am missing home, missing my family, missing my friends. I don’t generally say it aloud, for people like me speaking out about feelings, emotions doesn’t come with ease. Just a phone call right now, a ping on my chat window, a scrap on my orkut, or a mail would brighten my day. But who would know what I yearn for except God. I have this lingering feeling that everyone around me exists because I need them; it’s not the other way around. Take the example of my friends, most of them would never call me/mail me or try to contact me unless I do so. Don’t they want to be my friend anymore or I am just adding to their long list of ‘just-one-of-the-known-faces’. The other day, my team mates were talking about their cupboard being filled with gifts that they have received from friends, family. I sadly realized that I don’t have many to talk about. Most of the gifts are what my parents or my siblings have given me.
You know I feel that everyone around me treat me like a convenient option, they treat me like some one who is never going to get hurt, some one who is plain nice. Being nice doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt, not shouting on your face doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry,
Well, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Wish i Could

(now this one i wrote during a training session ;-))

Wish I could call quits, once and for all,
And be released from these crushing walls,
Or Maybe I could just surge forward,
And climb over these fastening walls.

Wish I could free my chained spirit,
And spread everywhere like a wild forest fire,
Or Maybe I could be a cool breeze,
And whisper sweet melodies far and wide.

Wish I could open my eyes,
And realize alls nothing but a bad dream
Or Maybe I could close my eyes,
And pray in earnest to almighty to fulfill my dreams.

Wish I could feel the careless whispers,
And end the longing loneliness,
Or Maybe I could be the whisper,
And give company to someone in his solitude.

Wish I could scream at the top of my voice,
And let out all the angst to feel better within,
Or Maybe I could listen to soothing music,
And sing along the lyrics of my heart.

-Anu (Aug 5th, 2008)

Lead me to my heart

Lead me to my heart

She asked the wind breezing around,
'Can I fly away with you?
Fly away to a far away land,
A land of my dreams,
Dreams filled with people I love.'

To this the wind replied,
'Dear, love is not bound by limits,
Close your eyes, feel it,
The loved ones are just that near
To be held closed and loved.'

She asked the bird on the tree,
'Let me borrow your wings,
Just for a moment,
To reach up for the skies,
And walk over the white clouds.'

To this the bird replied,
'The wings of fantasy,
Is what you need,
To carry you over the skies,
To places new and old.'

She asked her heart, which just missed a beat,
'Oh, why are you missing a beat,
It's the beat or someone not known to me,
Smart enough to hold you,
And still unseen to my wide open eyes.'

Her heart said to her,
'It's just the feeling to be far away,
That makes you shade the one near,
Look near, search within,
There lies the place, the loved one
So searched all along.'

-Anu (15th July)