Speaking my heart out

There are times when you want to be alone but are crowded by so many people, well on other times when you really need someone around; there is no body with you. Sad irony of life isn’t it? Every one of us faces a similar situation many times in course of our lives. Each of us wants the other when we have one. Sometimes, I wonder, why this happens to me or does it happen with all. Most of the times I don’t get the answer to this question, as it’s me who is asking myself. Wish I could ask this to some one and know the answer. Talking to God is one option when you have none to open your heart to, when you have so much to talk about, so many feelings to share, so many of desires you just bury deep inside in your heart, for the sole reason that there is not one listening ear, no kind heart to feel it along with you. Talking to God, which I used to do a lot when I used to be in school, writing letters addressing to god and then tear them off. Obvious reason being, number one it was too personal, second and the feared one, it shouldn’t end in my mom’s hand. Now, even writing a letter to God doesn’t come easy. Even today, I have tons of stories to tell, loads of wishes to ask for, but yet I don’t write. Why, you would ask. Maybe my more mature self feels it’s too kiddish to be doing something like that. Being grown up is not the best thing to happen to any one of us. As a child I used to eagerly wait for the time when I can be on my own. I do enjoy it, but then taking care of each small thing alone is not a candy.
Why I am writing all this today.. you should have guessed it by now, Since you haven’t guessed I might as well tell you. I am missing home, missing my family, missing my friends. I don’t generally say it aloud, for people like me speaking out about feelings, emotions doesn’t come with ease. Just a phone call right now, a ping on my chat window, a scrap on my orkut, or a mail would brighten my day. But who would know what I yearn for except God. I have this lingering feeling that everyone around me exists because I need them; it’s not the other way around. Take the example of my friends, most of them would never call me/mail me or try to contact me unless I do so. Don’t they want to be my friend anymore or I am just adding to their long list of ‘just-one-of-the-known-faces’. The other day, my team mates were talking about their cupboard being filled with gifts that they have received from friends, family. I sadly realized that I don’t have many to talk about. Most of the gifts are what my parents or my siblings have given me.
You know I feel that everyone around me treat me like a convenient option, they treat me like some one who is never going to get hurt, some one who is plain nice. Being nice doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt, not shouting on your face doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry,
Well, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.